Dumb Blonde Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to EuroDisney?
A: She saw a sign saying: "EuroDisney Left" so she went home.


Did you hear about the blonde who put under Education on her job application, 'Hooked On Phonics'...


Q: What did the blonde girl name her pet Zebra?
A: Spot.


Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the pedestrian sign said "DON'T WALK".


Q: What does a blonde Owl say?
A: What, what?
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Q: What do you see when you look directly into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.


Q: What did the Dumb Blonde do when she went to a film that had an NC-17 (no under 17's) rating? A: Went home and got 16 friends.


Q: What do you call a blond behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.


Q: How do you tell if a blonde writes Mysteries?
A: She's got a checkbook.


Q: How can you tell a FAX has been sent from a blonde?
A: There's a stamp on it.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: Threw it off a cliff.


Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: Keep breakin em' with hammers.


Q: What's the difference between blondes and McDonald's?
A: A blonde serves more people in a night.


Q: What happens when a blonde developes Alzheimers?
A: Her IQ goes up.


Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.


Q: What's the guaranteed method to totally confuse a Blonde Man?
A: Ask him to alphabetise a King-size bag of M&Ms.


Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.


Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it.


Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
A: A Space Invader.


Q: What's the difference between a dumb blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.


Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: Manages to get the Pop Tarts out the toaster in one piece.


Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.





One blonde can make a difference! At least that is what the blonde in this joke thought.

She was tired of everyone thinking that blondes were stupid, and she didn't like all these jokes. To end the injustice, she decided to prove to the world that she was smart.

In order to prove herself, she chose to memorize the capital of every American state. It wasn't an easy task, but she was determined and eventually managed to do it.

A few days later she was in a bar, and heard a couple of men laughing at a blonde joke. This was the perfect opportunity to start righting all the wrongs that had been done to blondes in the past - she would set these men straight!

Marching over at a rapid pace she announced,
"It isn't true that all blondes are stupid, and I will prove it. Just ask me the capital of any American state, and I will tell you what it is."

Although a little surprised, the men did challenge her and asked,
"Ok, how about Arizona?"

The Blonde, after pausing for a moments thought, proudly gave the answer,
"A"!


Horse Riding

One day a blonde decided to go horse back riding.

After a very long search, she finally found a horse she thought she could ride. Things started off well enough, slowly trotting along, but soon the undulations started going faster and faster.

Being unexperienced at horseback riding the blonde started to fall off. She tried everything, grabbing the mane, then she tried to grab the saddle, but could not hold on.

Seconds before falling off, the horse finally stopped, allowing her to get off, and gratefully thank the shopper for unplugging the mechanical horse as they were about to enter the department store.
Government Blonde

A blonde government supervisor called in a subordinate regarding his failure to complete his last task.

Blonde: Sam, I see you only converted 4 out of the 5 books I asked you to convert to Braille. As you know our state needs to make our publications available to everyone including the blind.

Sam: Yes, of course.

Blonde: So what happened with that fifth book?

Sam: You mean the automobile driving manual?
Blind Man

A blink man enters a lady's bar by mistake. Finding his way to the bar, he orders a drink. After a few drinks he yells, "Does anybody want to hear a blonde joke?"

The place gets silent. Then a woman with a deep, husky voice sitting to the right of the man says, "Sir, since you are blind, I think it is only fair to let you know that
The bartender is a blonde woman.


The bouncer is a blonde woman.


The woman on your left is blonde and a professional wrestler.


I'm a six foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate.


The woman next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

Do you still want to tell that joke?"

"Nah," says the man. "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it FIVE times."


Cell Phone

One day a blonde decided to get a cell phone. After talking with the salesman, she finally selected a model and signed up for the service.

Over the next few days she called her friends and gave them her new number.

A few days later while shopping, her phone rang for the first time.

Surprised, she answered it. It was her best friend. Completely dumbfounded, she asked in amazement, "How did you know where to call me?"


Shopping for Alligator Boots

A blonde was on vacation in Florida trying to find a pair of alligator boots to give her best friend back home. She had heard her best friend talking about them, and knew she really wanted a pair.

Finally finding a pair she thought her friend would like, she was upset when she got to the checkout and discovered she did not have enough money to buy them.

Being resourceful, she decided she wouldn't give up and had an idea of how she could get some alligator boots for her friend.

Three hours later she had to admit defeat, however, as the fourth alligator she found and shot dead had already lost his alligator boots, too.
Football Game

A guy met this nice blonde girl and decided to ask her on a date. She said, “Yes,” so he took her to a football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

“It was OK,” she said. “but there’s one thing I don’t understand. When they started the game, they flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. But then, for the rest of the game, everybody around us was shouting, “Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back! I mean, it’s just a quarter.”
Caught In a Blizzard

As Lena (a blonde) was getting off work one day in the middle of winter, it was snowing heavily. Visibility was near zero. Lena finally found her car, but wondered how she was ever going to get home. She started the car to warm it up and tried to think of what to do. Then she remembered her husband, Olaf's, advice. He had told her that if she were ever caught in a snow storm, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she'd never get stuck in a snow drift.

So she waited and sure enough, a little while later a snow plow went by. Smiling, she began to follow it. Feeling a little smug, she couldn't wait to tell Olaf how she had followed his advice and got home without getting stuck.

After following the snow plow for quite a while, the plow stopped and the driver got out. He walked back to Lena's car and asked if she was all right? He was concerned because she had been following him for a long time.

"Sure," said Lena and she explained how Olaf had told her that if she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should follow a snow plow.

A little confused, the driver said, "OK you can follow me if you want to. But I'm finished with the Kmart parking lot and I'm headed for Wall-Mart next."


A Blonde Goes Shopping

While wandering through a clothes store in a shopping mall, a blonde suddenly remembers she needs a microwave. Seeing one in the back, she tells the clerk she wants to buy it. The clerk looks up, and glances at the microwave in question and says, "We can't sell that to blondes."

Irate at the apparent discrimination she decides she'll fool him, and goes home and dyes her hair to become a brunette. The next day she returns to the same store and again asks a different clerk for the microwave. Again the clerk says, "We can't sell that to a blonde impersonating a brunette."

Aghast, she thinks it's unfair discrimination and decides to try one more time, only this time as a red-head. She waits patiently outside the store until another clerk is available and once more asks to buy the microwave. Again she is disappointed to hear, "We can't sell that to a blonde impersonating a red-head."

Frustrated she asks, "How did you know I was a blonde?"

"Because, that's not a microwave, it's a TV."
A Test

A blonde was suspected of cheating on her 8th grade final exams. The teacher brought her to the front of the room and told to sit and stay quiet while he proceeded to mangle her test.

As he did this, the blonde started to laugh.

Getting even more furious, he threw the test on the ground and stomped up and down on it leaving foot prints on several ripped pages.

The blonde laughed even louder.

He was livid, finally taking her test and shredding it.

Now, the blonde was laughing uproariously.

The teacher, somewhat more calm but still red looked over and asked, "What's so funny?"

"While you weren't looking, I stood up three times."
Being a Bit Dents

A blonde took her car to the body shop after a large hailstorm had left her car badly dented. The busy owner didn't have time to work on her car at the moment, so he thought he would try and see if blondes really were as dumb as these jokes indicate.

"Oh, those dents are pretty small, you can get those dent out yourself by just blowing hard into the tailpipe." he said.

After going home and trying for an hour, she called over her best blonde friend Betty to see if Betty had any ideas.

After hearing about what she was doing she said "That'll never work, you need to close the windows first.
Hot and Cold

A blonde was shopping when she found a really striking stainless steel thermos. Fascinated, she picked it up examined it, and finally asked the clerk what it was.

"It's a thermos." he said. "It keeps some things hot, and other things cold."

That was all she needed to hear, and she bought the thermos.

The next day, her boss saw the thermos on her desk, as it really was rather striking.

"What's that?" her boss asked.

"It's a thermos." she said. "It keeps some things hot, and other things cold."



"What have you got in it?" her boss queried after a moment.

She happily answered, "I have hot coffee in it for a little later this morning, and really cold iced tea for this afternoon."
Non-Stop Flight

On a plane flight from Seattle to Chicago, a blonde was sitting in economy class. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."

After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up. She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. The co-pilot said, "Let me try." He went up to the blonde and politely tried to explain to her why she needed to return to her seat in economy class.

But the blonde only replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here." Frustrated, the co-pilot returned to the cockpit. He suggested that perhaps they should have the airline call the police and have her arrested when they land.

"Wait a minute," said the pilot. "Did you say she's blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde." So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear.

"I'm sorry," said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class.

"What did you say to her?" ask the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot.

To which the pilot replied, "I just told her that first class isn't going to Chicago."



Some Inventions are simply better left uninvented:


Left handed pencil

Clear correction fluid

Black highlighter

Waterproof tea bags

Braille driving manual

Dehydrated water

Screen door on a submarine

Helicopter ejection seat

Air conditioning for motorcycle

Wooden barbecue

Glow-in-the-dark sun dial

Gasoline fire extinguisher

Battery-powered battery charger

Fake rhinestones

Fireproof matches

Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses

Mesh umbrella

Solar-powered flashlight

Why aren't blondes hired for elevator jobs?
Because they can't remember the route.

Did you hear about the blonde who almost killed her toy poodle?
She tried to insert batteries.

A senior in college took his blonde girlfriend to a football game. As the game started, he said, "Watch the guy wearing number 15. I expect him to be our best man next year."
"Oh, Honey," she said. "That's such a cleaver way to propose. I accept!"

Did you hear about the blonde who locked herself in the car?

This blonde went to the pizza place and ordered a pizza. The pizza guy asked her if she wanted it cut into six pieces or twelve.
“Oh, six,” she said. “I could never eat twelve pieces.”

During her company's periodic password audit, a blond employee was found to be using this password:

GoofyHueyLouieDeweyDaisyDonaldMickeyMinniePhoenix

When she was asked why she had such a long password, she said, "The boss said that my password had to be at least eight characters long and have at least one capital."

Did you hear about the blonde who plugged her power strip back into itself to save electricity?

Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
Because she was trying to make up her mind.

When a blonde working at the local Taco Bell was asked to put minimal lettuce on an order she replied, "I'm sorry, we only have iceberg."

A blonde was asked what the capital of California was. “That’s easy,” she said. “It’s C.”

What do you get when you put seven blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes

A blonde was driving down the highway when she read a sign saying, "Clean Restrooms Next 10 Miles." She was really late for her appointment since there were 26 restrooms to clean.

While waiting at a cross walk for the light to change, a blonde asked why the signal was buzzing. When she was told that it was to let blind people know when the light was red, she replied, "What in the world are blind people doing driving?"

Did you hear about the blonde who called the county to have the Deer Crossing sign removed from her road? It seems that too many deer were being hit by cars.

How do you know a blond has been in your office?

There is white-out on your computer screen.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.

Did you hear about the blonde who returned a scarf to the store because it was too tight?

Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?

It takes too long to re-train them.

What do you call an eternity?

Four blondes at a four way stop.

What did the blonde do when she missed the 44 bus?

She took the 22 bus twice instead.

What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them but you never see them.

Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?

To remind themselves that toes go in first.

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

"Oh, look, Daddy ... doughnut seeds."

Did you hear about the blonde who was all excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months? The box said, “2-4 years.”

What does Dr. McCoy from Star Trek say before performing brain surgery on a blonde?

Space: The Final Frontier.

How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Why couldn’t the blonde call 911?

Because there’s no 11 on the phone.

Why can't blondes make ice cubes?

They always forget the recipe.

Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?

They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?

They drowned at spring training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong."

Why did the blonde steal the police car?

She saw the "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

To see what was on the other side.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?

Because it said "concentrate."

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who is the oldest?

The blonde, because she's 18.

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.

How to trouble a blonde:

Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool!!!

Why did the blonde tell her Pastor under no circumstances would she have more than three children?

Because she heard that 1 out of 4 children born in the world is Chinese.

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

The power went out for 5 hours leaving twelve blondes stranded on their way to the second floor on the escalator.

The Football Game

A blonde guy goes to a football game and finds his place in the bleachers. After a while, someone far behind him yells, "Hey, George."
The blonde gets up and scans the crowd behind him. Not seeing anyone he recognizes, he sits down.
Some time later, someone yells again, "Hey, George."
The blonde gets up again and looks around. Seeing no one he knows, he sits down.
A third time someone yells, "Hey, George."
Finally, the blonde gets up, turns around and yells back, "Knock it off! My name's not George."

The Plane Crash

Three blonde guys got into a plane and took off on a trip. On the way they had engine trouble and their plane crashed in the snowy mountains. Being resourceful and determined to survive, they drained some gasoline out of the tank and started a fire to keep warm. When they got thirsty, they found a piece of metal from the wreckage, filled it with snow and melted it. Later they got hungry and ripped some strips from the leather seats, dipped them in motor oil and fried them like bacon.
Vacationers in the nearby Doubletree Hotel thought it was the most amazing thing they'd ever seen.

She Finally Caught Him

This blonde guy was really dumb. In school, he sat next to a really smart student and the teacher knew he was cheating on tests, but she could never prove it, until one day. As she corrected the tests, the teacher saw that the really smart kid had answered a question, "I don't know." The dumb blonde had answered that question. "I don't either."

The Other Super Bowl Game

While the Super Bowl was in progress, there was another, less know game going on. It's the annual game between the Big Animals and the Little Animals. The
Big Animals were crushing the Little Animals. At half time, the Little Animal's coach gave them a rousing pep talk and sent them back out.
The second half started. The Big Animals had the ball. On the first play, the elephant was stopped with no gain. On the second play, the rhinoceros was stopped with no gain. On the third play, the hippo was pushed back 5 yards.
At the defense huddle, the excited coach asked, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"And who stopped the rhinoceros?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"And who stopped the hippo?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"Well, where were you during the first half?"
"I was having my ankles taped."

Football Players

Two blonde college football players were not doing well in their classes. They had to pass a final exam or they would be put on academic probation and not be able to play.
The last question of the fill-in-the-blank test was "Old MacDonald had a ____________."
Tiny didn't know the answer. He looked around and saw that the professor was not looking. He tapped Bubba on the shoulder and asked, "What's the answer to the last question?"
"That's easy," said Bubba. "Everybody knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Thanks," said Tiny. But then he said, "How do you spell "farm?"
"My goodness, you really are dumb," said Bubba. You spell it "E-I-E-I-O."

Fishing Buddies

Two blonde fishing buddies rented a boat early one Saturday morning and headed out for a day on the lake. They both caught their limit and headed home to fried fish dinners. The next Saturday they decided to go fishing again.
"Did you mark the spot?" asked Blonde #1.
"Yup," said Blonde #2. "I put a big X on the bottom of the boat."
"You dummy!" said Blonde #1. "What if we don't get the same boat?"

Barking Dogs

A wife and her blonde husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbor's dog was barking. This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.
Finally, the blonde says, "I've had enough. I'm going to do something about this." So he gets up, puts on his robe and goes down stairs and out the back door. A little while later, he comes back.
"What did you do? The dog's still barking," asks the wife.
"I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like it."

How Do You Measure a Flagpole?

Two blonde guys were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked them what they were doing. "We're supposed to measure the height of this flagpole," said blonde guy number one, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse and loosened some bolts. The guys helped her lay down the flagpole. Then the woman got a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and said, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Blonde guy number two shook his head and laughed. "Isn't that just like a girl? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

We Want Two Budgies

The owner asks, "Do you want two males and two females, or all males or all females."
The blonde says, "It doesn't matter. Whatever you have."
The owner then asks, "What colors would you like? We have blue, yellow and green."
Again, the blonde says, "It doesn't matter. Whatever you have."
The owner says, "OK, then," gets four random budgies and puts them in a pet carrier. The second blonde guy gets out his wallet and pays for them. They leave with the birds.
They then drive to a high cliff. The first blonde reaches into the pet carrier and takes out two of the birds. Grasping them firmly, he flaps his arms and jumps off the cliff. He falls like a rock and goes SPLAT at the bottom.
The second blonde looks over the cliff at his friend and says, "Dang. This budgie jumping isn't what it's cracked up to be."

The Accident

A blonde guy was having a fight with his neighbor. Things had escalated to the point where it was getting ugly. One day they were both driving their cars on the highway when they collided in a huge accident. The cars were totaled, but, miraculously, neither of them was hurt.
"This must be a sign that we're supposed to put our differences behind us and be friends," said the blonde.
"Yes," said the neighbor. "I agree."
The neighbor went back to the wreckage of his car and found a bottle of whisky which had somehow survived the collision. "This must be a sign that we should celebrate."
"I agree," said the blonde. The neighbor offered him the bottle and he took a couple of large gulps. Then the neighbor took the bottle back to his car.
"Aren't you going to have any?" asked the blonde.
"No, I think I'll wait until after the police leave."

Shovel the Snow

Father:  I thought I asked you to go out and shovel the snow off the driveway.
Blonde Son:  You did, I'm on my way.
Father:  But you only have one boot on.
Blonde Son:  Well, there's only one foot of snow.

Keys Locked in the Car

A couple bought a car and had the dealership add a few upgrades to it. When they returned to pick up their car, they were told that the keys had been locked inside. Going to the service area, they found the mechanic, who was blonde, feverishly working to open the driver's side door. The woman instinctively tried the passenger side door, only to find it was unlocked. She said, "Hey, it's open!"
The mechanic replied, "I know. I already got that side."

Planting Trees

An old farmer was driving home from from his annual trip to the city when he saw a couple of blonde tree farmers planting their crop by hand. As he had some extra time on his hands, he stopped to watch, but couldn't believe his eyes as they dug holes and filled them back in without dropping in any seeds or seedlings.
Finally his curiosity got the best of him so he got out of his car and walked over to talk with them.
"What are you guys doing?" he asked.
"Planting trees," they said in unison.
"But where is the seed or seedlings?" he asked.
"Oh," one said, "normally there are three of us. He digs the holes, Jimmy plants the seedling, and I fill the hole. But Jimmy is out sick today."

Same Old Same Old

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He maked his own lunch."

Football Star Wannabe

Did you hear about the blonde football player who asked his coach to flood the field so he could go in as a sub?

Blind Man

A drunken blind man walks into a bar and after conversing with the locals finally yells, "Hey, do you want to hear a really funny blonde joke?"
The gentleman beside him says to him in a hushed voice, "You might not want to tell that joke since everyone here IS blonde including that 250 pound wrestler on the other side of you and the 225 pound black belt bouncer who's staring at you nastily. Are you sure you still want to tell that joke?"
"Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I'm going to have to explain it twice."

Blonde Mechanic

The blonde mechanic told his customer, "I wasn't able to repair your brakes, so I made the horn louder."